A Seven, At Best

Remember in the last blog, when I had just started Skyrim and was a bit unsure how the proceedings would go. I haven't cared for the previous Elder Scrolls installments, nor have I been a huge fan of the Bethesda games I have played previously, so there was a proven track record of dislike that made me more than skeptical about Skyrim.

I was wrong.

I have no problem admitting that. Skyrim is a damn fun game. Incredibly so... well, at least when I'm not crashing or stalling or staring an empty field waiting for the environment to pop in.

I spent about eight hours yesterday playing Skyrim. That's an entire work day. It was not my goal to do such a thing. I just started playing and, well, with nothing else to do I just... kept playing. For a long ass time. So as a follow-up to the previous post on this blog, it turns out I do like Skyrim. Quite a bit. A lot of other people do, too. In fact, pretty much everyone I talk to thinks Skyrim is the greatest thing to happen to gaming in a long time.

It's rocking a very respectable 96 (out of 100) on Metacritic. All the reviews for it have been fantastic. Gamespot, Gametrailers.com, and IGN all rated it a 9 or above. The Official Xbox Magazine (since I'm playing it on 360), gave it a perfect 10. G4 also hit it with a perfect 5 (out of 5). That's a lot of outstanding reviews.

And every single one of them is bullshit.

I'm at about Level 20 or 21 with the Lizard Man I created. Archery skill is up to about level 60 or so, I think. And at this point I've probably put between 20-30  hours into the game. A paltry tribute to something that could take well over a hundred hours of my time, but it's a start. And enough, I think, to have a solid foundation for the blasphemous opinion I'm about to unleash.

Does anyone understand that camera angle at the beginning of the game? It makes absolutely zero sense. As I mentioned in the last blog, the game starts out with your character in the back of a wagon with some other criminals (a thief and a couple of traitorous rebels). But the first-person camera is skewed off so it looks like I'm leaning to the left. Extremely leaning. And it doesn't coincide with the way any of the other men are sitting in the wagon, or with the way the wagon itself is oriented (even going up and down the hills). It looks like I'm purposefully leaning (to the right?) for no reason at all.

So there it is. The game starts out with a bug. An odd, arguably negligible bug. But I noticed. And so did my girlfriend (when I asked her). This game is getting some of the highest ratings a game could get... and it shows off a bug within the first thirty seconds. If that were the only bug in the game, then maybe I'd let it slide.

Boy is it not. I have crashed five times playing Skyrim. Complete hard lock. Game just straight up stopped working. Twice on loading screens, twice during combat (same dungeon) and once when trying to enter a door along the main quest line (to talk to the Greybeards). Now maybe I'm more sensitive to these sorts of things than others, but we (game testers, that is) work damn hard to ensure that games are released with no crashes (impossible). Crashes are like the biggest, most severe problem a game could ship with.

And I've hit five. (My girlfriend hit one about an hour before I started writing this. Her first.)

Girlfriend (henceforth referred to with a capital G and sans the possessive pronoun) somehow managed to break the first quest so that it never triggered. She escaped the dragon and followed the Imperial fella to his uncle's house. Once the two of them hit town, one of the townsfolk said something to her on the street. She stopped to talk to him and was hit with a side quest. And somewhere along completing that side quest, the main quest broke. She went back to speak with the uncle (which was the current task for the main quest), but nothing happened. He was supposed to send her on to Whiterun, but the dialogue never triggered, so the quest never updated no matter how many times she spoke to him.

Fortunately, I'd done that portion of the quest, so I told her where to go and the quest picked up from there as if nothing had happened. A simple enough fix, but that doesn't dismiss the fact that it broke to begin with.

Her big thing at the beginning of the game was purchasing a horse. I suppose she wanted to fulfill that girlhood dream of owning a pony. So she bought a horse. Hopped on... and it disappeared. Or became invisible. I've seen it a couple other times as she's been riding around. The horse just disappears sometimes. (I think it has something to do with riding into or near buildings, maybe that are close to equal height).

I've had a similar problem with mining. Approximately half the time I attempt to mine an ore vein, the pick will just disappear from my hand and the animation stops. No mining. Hit the button again and Lizard Man mines as expected. It's a small issue, but it happens a lot and it's pretty damn noticeable.

Shit like this happens all the time. Girlfriend was out exploring once, and she stepped off the road to check out this bush that was just sitting in the middle of an empty field. She was about three-quarters of the distance before the rest of the environment popped in, and suddenly there was an entire field of bushes and grass and other plant-like things. When it's there, the environment looks amazing. But sometimes it's not there. And sometimes it's very noticeable when that shit just happens to appear.

Arrows seemingly miss despite the fact that I'm aimed dead on at center mass (and the enemy is just a few feet away). AI companions sometimes decide to just stop attacking. Or at least not to attack that last dude until he's stabbed her a couple times (my companion has consistently been this chick Lydia who was assigned to me in Whiterun by the Jarl there).

The camera, whether in third or first person, kinda sucks underwater. Especially when hitting the threshold near the top of the water. Just... awful. Half the time I'm trying to navigate (the gods fucking atrocious) menus, the game never registers my command. I need to push the joystick up three or four times to open the leveling menu.

A game this huge is bound to have some technical issues. No game ships without bugs. The more stuff there is in a game, the more stuff there is to get buggy. And Skyrim has a lot of fucking stuff.

Still, though, I don't think this is an acceptable excuse. And it sure as shit should not be acceptable for a game rated this highly.

This is like reading a book and every three pages has a grammatical or spelling error. Sometimes it's not so noticeable (who's going to know that egregious is spelled wrong?). Sometimes it's a lower case letter at the beginning of the sentence. It's one error here. And one error there. Is this something we're going to suggest to our friends? Is this something we want lavish with rave reviews and offer up for prizes and awards? No, of course not. No matter how good that book is, those errors will have a negative impact on the review.

And that's what I'm trying to say here. This game isn't perfect. And we all need to stop pretending it is. Do we love it? Yes. Is it fun? Abso-fucking-lutely. You know what else is really fun? Fast Five. But I'm not suggesting we give that movie an Oscar just because I had a blast watching it.

Video games are tough. It's an interactive medium, so it can't be graded on quite the same basis as books or movies or music or... whatever. There are similarities, of course, but games are ultimately their own little thing. We need some different rules. I get that. But if we want to be taken seriously as an entertainment medium (and don't we?), we need to start acting like it.

These reviews are not acting like it. Every one of those reviews will make note of the various glitches to be encountered (often) in Skyrim. And every one of them will end with the reviewer saying the good outweighs the bad. In this, I agree. But that doesn't make the glitches non-existent. That doesn't make them disappear. And, with that in mind, we need to tone down the fanboy and look at this objectively. This game has problems. It's not close to perfect, so we shouldn't be giving it a close to perfect score.

And it's not even just the bugs. Those are just technical examples of what's wrong with this game. The menus are crap. Navigating them is a bit unintuitive. I still screw up and do something wrong on occasion when I'm trying to manage my inventory. There's no decent system built in for switching weapons or magic abilities (the Favorites works, but it's not efficient).There is a whole lot of exploring caves and tombs. I swear whatever planet Skyrim is on was once home to giant bees or ants or something because this place is fucking full of tunnels and caves and crevices. Everywhere.

The quests boil down to two different types:  A) Go to this place and collect this item.  B) Go to this place and kill this person. More often than not, that place is a fucking cave.

I don't know if everyone has this experience, but dragon battles are extremely lackluster, unexciting, and surprisingly easy. Maybe it's because I have that Archery skill up so high I can just knock these fuckers out of the sky. The main quest line (I am refraining from going on a rant about the idea of "narrative" in this game. Suffice to say that, while fun, Choose Your Own Adventure books are not the best the literary world has to offer, and are not lauded with the amount of praise this game receives) is all about dragons returning and me being Dragonborn and killing them and sucking out their souls (or something). Yet every time one appears, I just turn around, shoot it for five minutes, and bask in the glory of my "triumph."

I could go on and on (even more than I have). If you want to be honest with yourself, I'm sure you could think of some of the same complaints. Or even some of your own. It's all objective, of course. But the ultimate point still stands. This game is far from perfect. It's extremely fun, and that's what we want out of our video games. It achieves above and beyond in that regard.

But if we want to be taken seriously as an entertainment medium. If we want to be given respect and earn a spot in the social conscience the same as film and literature (and don't even begin to tell me we have until you're not ashamed to tell any random stranger you love/play/test video games), we need to move beyond that. At least when it comes to a subjective analysis. We need to be able to take a game like Skyrim, and treat the negatives with the same gravity we do the positives. Look at everything this game has tried to do (which I think is all the things) and discuss the failures as much as the successes.

The positives to this game do outweigh the negatives. But that doesn't make them less negative.

5 + 5 -1 -2 = 10?

Not quite, kids. Not quite. Negatives are still negative. They still impact the score. We need to stop acting like children and start acting like adults. Loving something does not make it perfect. As people, we learn that part of growing up is admitting our flaws and weaknesses. Gaming needs to do the same thing. The medium needs to grow up. And it can't do that if we keep coddling it like a child.

Skyrim is a 7 out of 10, at best. I'd be willing to accept an argument for an 8, but it had better be more convincing than those reviews. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go play...

Roleplayer

I just spent the weekend playing The Old Republic. My girlfriend (follow her) estimated the game took up 97.38% of my weekend. It was lots of fun and should (with proper motivation) be a whole blog to itself by the end of the weekend (but we all know how well I am at keeping up with those kinds of promises). However, with that beta ending, I found myself in something of a RPG lull. I could continue the game(s) of Mass Effect or Dragon Age I have going, but I'm in the mood for something new.

(Even more productive, I could get to writing all those ideas I keep telling people about.)

Fortunately, that aforementioned girlfriend of mine went out on a Black Friday mission to pick up some new games. (This is equal in awesome to my mission to pick up new graphic novels. Oddly, we both bought four.) One of those games was Skyrim.

Now in the past, I haven't been able to get into these Elder Scrolls games. A lot of people love these games. And that's great. They're just not for me. The games just feel too big, and with far too little direction. I play games for the narrative. Maybe that's odd, but it's sort of what I'm about (narrative, that is). So when I jump into a game, I want to know what I'm doing and why I'm doing it. I want to feel like what I'm doing matters. With these Elder Scrolls games, though, I've never felt that draw. (The same can be said for the GTA series and Fallout 3). There doesn't seem to be an urgency to what I'm doing. Sure, I could go and follow the main story path... but if I don't, no one cares. No one even notices.I can wander from village to village doing nothing at all and no one will ever bother to remind me there's a universe to save.

Or maybe they do at some point. I never make it that far. After six hours of aimlessly wandering and killing things and leveling up, I want something more. Except now I'm a million miles from that town I was supposed to go to but couldn't find. I've done a dozen side quests since then, none of which were linked to each other, and now I've entirely forgotten what the point of this game was at all. So I just quit playing.

Sort of like how I need a kick in the ass to write this blog, I also need a kick in the ass to remind me to save the universe. Games like these don't tend to give me that, so eventually, I stop giving a fuck.

But hey, everyone's up on Skyrim's balls, and that girlfriend (how many times you think I can mention her in one blog?) did purchase it... so no sweat off my back to give it a try. Here's what happened. Also, fair warning, some spoilers ahead. But just about how the game starts, so it's not that big of a deal.

OK. Let's give it a go. Fire this thing up and I'm in a wagon with a couple of criminals. The Stormcloaks, I think. Some group of Norse looking people rebelling against the Imperials. I'm  half sold on their cause from the get-go, because, well.... you know. So other than being mildly annoyed at the weird camera tilt, (even in first person view, it doesn't make sense), I just listen to these fellas talk about their rebellion and how we're all about to get axed. Fun times. We roll up to this village and two rebels and this one thief are all called out by name. Then they get to me and the Imperials don't have me listed. Cue character creation screen!

The short form version is that I created a lizard man, because, well...  you know. I put a lot of spines on his head to make him look more like a dinosaur (Also was not expecting the sheer amount of Rule 34 thrown at me from my Dinosaucers image search) and named him Connor because, well... you know.

So I finish creating a dinosaur man (so bad ass) and the Imperials argue a bit more about how I'm not on the list... and then decide to kill me anyway. Well fuck you very much. Right before I'm about to get chopped, a dragon appears (which is a good thing, because this was about to be the biggest waste of sixty bucks I never spent) and burns up the town and chaos ensues. I run off with one of those Stormchaser fellas, until we get split up somehow and then I run into an Imperial guard he isn't a complete douchewaffle. I follow him until we find this building or something and then the Stormshadow dude runs past us. Now, the game gives me the option to follow either one of them, but there's a fucking dragon setting this village on fire so I just follow the dude in front of me. He happens to be the Imperial.

Nice enough, dude. Actually, very helpful. We even end up crashing at his uncle's house. At some point when walking through the giant spider infested cave (because what cave ISN'T infested with giant spiders?) he suggests that I join up with the Imperial Legion. The same people that were going to chop my head off ten minutes ago because they were too lazy to do a background check. Well fuck that, partner.

Which brings us to the point. If there is one. The point is:  I'm bad at these sorts of games because I'm a role player. Even if I like Skyrim, even if I end up creating six different characters to play (my girlfriend will tell you  how much I love creating characters)... I will never ever take up the quest to join the Imperial Legion. Can't do it. Those assholes were going to chop my head off... and you expect me to join them?

See, this is where shit falls apart for me. It isn't a big deal, because I can just never do the quest and everything is just fine. But there's a part of me that wonders about the kind of people who do take that quest. Completionists and the like. I don't understand it.

I don't understand because I'm a role player. Sure, as a gamer, I'm curious about what that quest line might hold. What sorts of adventures lie in store for me. But as the character in the game... fuck the Imperials. Fuck them long. And fuck them hard. I don't think anyone should take beheadings lightly. Especially when it's my (be)head. And when I'm playing a game, I can never quite break free of that mindset. It is a role playing game, after all. So when I take control of this lizard man and march him through the fields of Skyrim, I do so with the constant memory that those Imperial fuckers were perfectly OK with killing me for no justifiable reason. (I don't even remember the in-game reason I was arrested with the Stormcrows in the first place).

Now I'm not going to go on a made, Imperial killing crusade. For one, that's not my style. For two, it would be dumb. They're an entire army. I'm one (incredibly bad ass looking) lizard man. For three, Harvard or whatever the fuck his name is helped prove that not all Imperials are bad. So, I'll just go on about my business, and they can go on about theirs.

I even went through the trouble of ditching the Imperial armor I'd found as soon as we hit his uncles place. Hell, I made my own armor just so I wouldn't be affiliated with any of these crazy, war mongering parties. And I did one quest for some dude and his sister and that's been about it.

So far, I like Skyrim. I've always been a fan of how skills level based on usage. That's about the only thing I liked from my experience with previous Elder Scrolls games. I like it here, too. It's a good system. The menu is a little odd to navigate, (also, sometimes it just doesn't want to be navigated), but whatever. I'm having fun. For the moment. I spent a couple hours exploring a cave. That was one quest that had nothing to do with me telling someone that dragons have returned (main quest, about to go do that now). I'm interested to see how long it takes for me to get lost in a dozen other caves and then forget that I was ever supposed to tell people about dragons at all. Then, I'll lose focus of what I'm doing (only so much spelunking I can do before it gets old)... and I'll quit.

Or maybe this time I'll keep on the main path and see what happens. But what will not happen is Connor taking a liking to Imperials.

I wonder if I'm the only person who feels this way. Am I the only person who will kill Loghain every time because he's a traitorous, murderous bastard who left my entire order to die? I don't care how powerful he is as a party member. I don't care if I'm playing a good character or bad. That dude turned on us. He left us all to die. Who would ever forgive that? Who just lets that slide and asks the dude to team up?

Sure, as a gamer, maybe I'm curious to see what happens. But I always feel like doing that is an injustice to the character I'm playing. To that little man or woman or elf or lizard who has been bleeding and dying and hacking and slashing through some incredibly nasty shit for my own entertainment. To help me save the world. It's odd, but I can't do it. Can you?

(Girlfriend Count:  4)

Breaking Point(s)

DC Universe Online went free-to-play a week or two ago. Now I'm not a huge DC fan, but I do love comic books and superheroes... so I figured it was time to give it a shot. I made it about ten minutes into the game before I hit what I'm beginning to refer to as a "breaking point."

It's pretty much what it sounds like. Some aspect of a game that just breaks it for me. It breaks the dynamic. The universe that has been created. I often find such things egregious to the point that I no longer want to play. Sometimes, I even find it personally insulting. There's just a... I don't know the right word. A laziness or a lack of faith in the player. Just... this idea that because it's a game, certain things don't matter. That I, as a player, should be willing to make certain concessions because it's a game. Or that I might not even notice. And maybe most people don't. But I do.

I find it a bit hard to explain as a concept. I had a very similar experience with Dead Island. I made it about ten or fifteen minutes in before I wanted to throw my controller at something. The things that were happening were just so... ridiculous. I'm going to dive into that more on the next blog. DCUO and Dead Island have such terrible breaking points they'll each get their own separate blog.

There are a couple of things I can go ahead and quickly spout out to try and help make the point. Those two games are hardly the only ones that have presented a problem for me. So let's go for a couple of easy ones to hopefully illustrate this problem I have. (I'm willing to admit that it is a problem for me alone. Though there are others that may agree, I'd dare say the vast majority of people either don't notice or don't care.)

About a month or so ago I borrowed Alice: Madness Returns from my roommate. Seemed like an interesting take on the Alice myth. The game was certainly fun. I actually liked it. There is, of course, a little bit of setup stuff to walk through before actually getting to Wonderland. But once you do, some of the enemies and breakable items yield teeth. Yes. Like actual teeth. The game's kind of fucked up that way. But whatever. I started collecting the teeth because it was obvious that's what I was supposed to do. I'm trained to do that sort of thing. Trained by twenty years of collecting coins that pop out of brick blocks.

After I had collected about fifty of these things, I stopped. Like just stopped playing for a moment. I stared at the screen and I asked myself why I was collecting teeth. It was obvious from the way the game was designed that I was supposed to. As a gamer, I understand that. And at first, I didn't even question it. But then I did.

There was no context for the teeth within the game. There was no obvious reason why creatures that probably didn't have teeth would be leaving them behind when they died. Or why teeth were being stored in breakable containers. There was no reason for it at all, (even within the context of a game that takes place in Wonderland and has questionable reason to begin with). There was no explanation from the game as to what the teeth were used for. I just knew, as a player, that I was supposed to collect them. As Alice, however, I have no idea.

And that is the problem. That is the "breaking point." This was a minor issue, and one I was able to get over. But it was a bit annoying. It was a moment that took me out of the game. Or, perhaps, brought me more into it. This was a moment that made it very clear to me that I was playing a video game. It broke the reality created by the game to point out that it was, in fact, a game. Not an interactive narrative that I could push forward and enjoy. Not a complete universe within itself, created without interruption.

See, my problem is that the inherent logic I expect to exist does not. Within the frame of the universe that was created, there was no reason for collecting teeth. Especially off of the recently slain bodies of my foes. Might as well have been slicing ears off Viet Cong.

Now, after I had collected the correct number of teeth, there was finally an explanation. Of sorts. The teeth were used to upgrade my weapons (what else would I use them for?). This, of course, sparks another set of frustrations. This consistent idea that some sort of payment must be made in order to earn upgrades, etc. It makes sense in some games. It doesn't in others. But whether it works within the framework or not, it is almost always present.

This is, ultimately, the problem I have. I look at games and I feel like we should have progressed farther than what we have. I love video games. At this point, I've more or less set myself up for a "career" in the industry. Which is why I take this so seriously. Or personally. Or whatever. Because I truly believe we should have evolved beyond this. Because I want something I love to be the absolute best (I think) it can be.

The trailer for Battlefield 3 boasts that the graphics are so realistic, one might not be able to tell the difference. I have not played this game (generally speaking, I'm not much into war shooters), but all I've heard about it seems to support this claim. Visually, it is stunning. An amazing example of what we have been able to accomplish graphically. This is how far we've come from the days of Pong or Super Mario.

The visuals may have changed dramatically... but it doesn't seem much else has. Mentally, our concept of gaming is the same. The way we design and think about our games is still the same. I'm still doing the equivalent of collecting coins from a brick block. Isn't it about time we evolved? 

In the Meantime

Someone requested a special something from me. A little blog about a little thing, and I intend to fulfill that request. However, such a thing will take longer than the time I have this evening. Might even take a couple evenings, (and lunches), but I'll get there. So for now, here's an IOU.

I know. Terrible of me. But I wanna do this right. First bit of fiction I'll have written up for nigh on ages, and I want to make it... not shit. Let's start there and work our way up.

As an update on the last blog, I asked the Girl with the Lightsaber Tattoo out on a date. You know, via that website I mentioned. Light side points: she agreed. Fantastic, right? I thought so. She gave me a general idea of when would be best for her, and I responded with a time that would work best for me... and then never heard back from her. Dark side points. Thing is, this isn't the first time such a thing has happened. Dunno what the deal with that is. Few times that's been the case.

I'm none too upset about it now. Don't go feeling too bad about it. Just an interesting observation, is all. Strangeness of online dating, I suppose. Or lack of dating, to be more accurate.

Also, since this blog has almost no point other than to post something because it was requested (but not quite what was requested, though I do promise, it's in the works), here's a little song to go with that title...

Alternate Endings

For those who don't know, I keep an active profile on an online dating website. On occasion, I send messages to attractive ladies (which is sort of the point), and on even rarer occasion one will respond. A couple of times, these conversations have been about Star Wars tattoos. A recent one, in fact, which got me to thinking about the prequels while I was walking down to the hair salon.

I have this recurring thought that, one day, when I have extra time to just waste, I'll sit down and re-write the scripts for the prequels to make them, well... you know. Good. Of course, every nerd on the internet thinks he could have written about trilogy than George's prequels. Now my personal challenge is to keep as much as possible from the movies. I don't want to change a lot. Just enough to sort of streamline the storyline and make it a little more cohesive.

So as I'm writing this, I'm watching The Phantom Menace, which I do every now and again to try and remind (convince?) myself it's not as bad as you think it is. This has about a 50/50 success rate. This evening is a failure. Come on. How is it possible that a Jedi Master has no idea that Toydarians are immune to mind tricks? That's just silly.

I digress. So I was walking and thinking about what could be done to streamline these movies into a more cohesive (and arguably better) story, having just read this article earlier in the day, and an idea came to me.

Let's assume all else stays the same until toward the end of the movie. As I said before, the challenge is to do this with as little alteration as possible. Everything remains the same right up to the point that Qui Gon and Obi-Wan run off to fight Darth Maul. Well, that part is the same, too. We'll do a slight modification that, instead of hiding inside a fighter ship, which is a piss poor hiding place to begin with, the Anakin just hides behind some crates long enough to wait for the Jedi to stop looking, and then he chases after them. This seems more realistic to me, but then again, it's because that's what I would have done. I feel like even people in the Star Wars universe get as excited about a badass lightsaber duel as we do.

Leave the fight choreography the same. All the way up to the point where Obi-Wan is hanging from a nub in that pit and Darth Maul is being a douche and taunting him (as heels will do, always leading to their undoing). The difference here being that Anakin has (somehow, and it's just as plausible as the damn kid accidentally blowing up a space station) followed the three of them to this chamber. He runs in and sees Qui Gon on the ground. Obi Wan looks up and sees the kid. Darth Maul looks back and sees the kid. The kid sees Darth Maul.

Anger. Rage. Despair.

BOOM!

Force Push into the wall. Darth Maul held against the bulkhead by Anakin. Force Choke. Force Crush. Whatever snaps Maul's neck and he falls into the pit. Obi-Wan climbs out of the pit and goes to Anakin, beside Qui Gon. Obi-Wan can still make the promise to train Anakin at this point, but there's an obvious threat. This kid is too powerful to be left alone. You can't let that kid wander around without guidance. Obi-Wan takes him on in hopes of leading him down a better path.

Which, of course, gives us plenty of reasons for Obi-Wan to smother Anakin throughout his training, and for the Jedi Council to consistently deny him promotions, advancement, etc. Everything the Jedi do is in an effort to keep this kid on the straight and narrow. Then, as with any young teenager, he rebels against his strict upbringing and becomes Darth Vader.

Or, you know, something like that. So... yeah. There it is.

Also, I really want one of these.

The New Hotness

I have an ancient fucking phone. I've had it for two, maybe three years now, and it was almost outdated when we got them. Yes. We. More on that later. This thing is a relic, but it's served me well. I don't need a lot of fancy shit. For the most part, I just send text messages, and the phone is more than capable of doing that, (though, as most all my friends will tell you, the buttons click something ridiculous when I'm typing). So it hasn't been an issue for me, as far as being outdated. I'm not a tech geek. I've superglued this thing back together a couple of times, the battery life on it has drained down to just a little over a day (far less if I make a phone call), and it occasionally just shuts itself off for no reason.

All these things I've sort of just been dealing with, totally putting off getting a new one. But over the past couple of weeks, the screen has begun to fritz out on me. I'll slide it open or close and the screen will just pixelate. Half of it goes black. This is concerning. This is something that, clearly, is going to be a problem that I can't exactly work around. So unfortunately, it was time to break down and get a new phone.

Which I did on Saturday. Now, for various reason, I'm forced to do a pre-paid plan (I honestly don't have an issue with this at all), so I went to the cellular provider to see what sort of phones they had in my price range. I found this LG I was kinda into (options are pretty limited on pre-paid phones, so it was just the best of the lot, really), and a decent pre-paid plan. The fella comes over to help me out, checks the back room... and the phone isn't in stock. He checks the computer, and no other stores have one in stock, either. Well, there was one in Marysville/Smokey Point, but I was in Lynnwood and about to head out to my friends' wedding party (which was fun), so it wasn't much of an option to go up north again. I left the store empty handed.

Now, those who know me will know that, quite often, I get very singularly minded. I had set out to buy a phone, and gods damn it, I was going to buy a fucking phone. So I took a chance and drove across the street to Target just to see if they had the phone. Sure enough, there were like four of them on the shelf. Boom. Bam. Done.

New phone, bitches.

The downside is, I have no idea how to use this fucking thing. It's a little more advanced than the antique I've been using. I sort of went out to get something a little more fancy, mostly so I can use the Twitters and the Facebooks on it. The learning curve is a bit steep, so I'm figuring it out. At the moment, I'm in the process of transferring all my numbers over from one phone to the other.

If you're wondering why I don't just swap the SIM cards, well... now we're back to what I said we'd talk about earlier. The ancient phone I've been using I picked up before I moved out to Seattle (OK, so it has been three years... maybe even four depending how long before we moved out here I got it). This was back when I was still on speaking terms with my parents, and we were all on one of those family plans together. No problem, really. Cheaper and I didn't have to deal with the hassle, which is great.

Fast forward a few years later, and I've been in Seattle for fucking ever and still have an Indiana number. There's a part of me that's felt, for a bit, that it might be time to let that go. You know, move on. The last bit of settling here would be changing the area code on my phone number. Prove I'm a resident. Or at least trying to be.

The other thing is that I am 100% certain the only reason I still have the (now old) phone is that my mother has been using it to spy on me. It's still on the family plan, and I can almost guarantee she checks out the phone records to see what I've been up to. It's creepy and weird, I know... but it's true. So the safer bet would be to just transfer the numbers over, and not the SIM card, to make sure that she can't track the number or something (I'd swear she has friends in the CIA that could do some crazy spy shit if she asked them to).

Anyway, there was an actual point of some sort to this. I was planning to wrap it up in something funny or clever, but the whole idea got lost in the writing process. Now it's just kind of a boring story about buying a new phone. Damn.

Even My Subconscious Can't Get Laid

This is a post for all the psych types out there to analyze me up and tell me what the hell's going on. Also anyone out there who thinks they can read dreams, well... read this.

So the other night I had a dream. We were in the old Evansville townhouse, and I think there was going to be a party. Like, it hadn't started yet, but a few people were there in the living room and we were all kinda hanging out. It's fuzzy, cause, well, you know... dream. I'm in the living room with people and we're talking or something and there's this loud banging on the ceiling from what I immediately realize is the woman in the bathroom. She calls my name. I walk upstairs.

OK. I open up the bathroom door, and apparently in my dream we have a magic bathroom. Like that tent in Goblet of Fire that's a hundred times bigger than it looks. Yeah. It's like that. I open the door and walk into a bathroom that's about the size of the bottom floor of my current house/apartment. Whatever the hell I live in. Anyway, there's this broad sitting in the tub, (bubble bath, of course), shaving. And I'll be damned if it isn't Elizabeth fucking Berkley.

She wants me to help her with something. I don't even remember what. It's not that important. She finishes whatever it is she's doing, and I'm hanging out in the bathroom, checking myself out in the mirror. We're chatting. She gets out of the tub and wraps up in a towel and I'm getting ready to leave, because, well I figure my work here is done.

"You're not just gonna leave me like this, are you?"

"Like what?"

I don't remember the next part, but it leads to her dropping the towel and us making out. We'll skimp out on the ultra sexy details of where our hands ended up, but let's just say things got hot. And quick. So I'm about to make with the sweet lovin' when she, very responsibly, reminds me to wrap it up.

Anyone want to guess how this one's going to end?

I leave the bathroom and scurry over to her bedroom. She lives there, I guess. And she keeps condoms on the nightstand. Convenient. So I slide it on as I'm walking out of the room (in hindsight, this seems like something I'd have difficulty with in real life) and... son o fa bitch. There's like six people standing outside the bathroom, the door is open and someone is talking to her. She's got clothes on now.

SERIOUSLY?!

Phew. OK. Deep breath...

I have this running joke that I tell myself and sometimes other people. It's not as funny when I tell them, though. Sometimes I think I'm much more clever than I am. Sometimes you asshats are just fucking ingrates and you wouldn't know funny if it beat you with your own dick. The joke is that I'm so unathletic I'm also bad at sports games. Not just real sports, which I'm horrible at. But sports simulations. Video games. Which, generally, I'm pretty decent at. Above average in most respects, I'd like to think. But Madden? Fuck. I'm shit. It's just... bad. Terribad.

Now the same thesis can sorta be applied to this dream scenario. Needless to say, the dream ended and I did not have crazy monkey fucking time with Jessie Spano. This is disappointing. No. Really. Think about it. This was my own gods damned dream, and I still couldn't get laid. Like, this is my brain, making shit up, and it decided that, for whatever reason, some mother fuckers would walk upstairs and cock block my attempts at boning Elizabeth Berkley.

My ability to get laid is so lacking that, even in my own dreams, I can't pull this shit off. And this isn't the first time this has happened, either. In the history of sexy dreams, and there have been a few, I don't remember a single time that I actually managed to score. I can remember a couple of these dreams specifically, involving certain people (it might be you), where something happened and just before I'm about to do the deed... shit falls apart.

Which is where you kids come in. For the dream readers and the psych analysts out there, I ask... wassupwitdat? I'm actually kind of curious if someone can come up with an explanation  or whatever for this. Honestly, I find it a bit amusing. I mean, it's just a dream, so it's not like I'm going to get too upset. But it does happen pretty much every time, and I feel like there must be some weird psychological theory or condition or voodoo that will attempt to explain it. Which, I must say, I'm a bit anxious to hear.

Venom

Is it just me, or was that last post sorta lackluster? Felt like something was missing. The argument was there. It's definitely something I feel strongly about, but... Man. I dunno. Something didn't quite click. The structure was just... scattered? Is that it? Like it wasn't stacked quite right. Lots of words sort of just bleeding onto a page without much real cohesion.

I'm better than that. Should be, at least.

So there's this girl, right? Nice broad, so far as I can tell. Tweep (That's Twitter + Peep. I think.). She's got this thing about kicking me in the ass to write stuff. Which, I might say, is fucking fantastic. I need a good kick in the ass. It's about the only way I actually get shit done.

Hell of a statement, right? I mean, obviously I am aware of this very particular problem. I lack proper self-motivation. But I can't seem to do much about it. It's all mental, obviously. That is to say, I'm mental. Of course. Psychologically speaking, (as if I'm an expert on such things), I've got an issue I need to overcome. Just... haven't. Can't?

Not sure. Something was broken. Not now. Well, probably still, but... before. It snapped. I blogged about it, I'm sure. I haven't been able to sit down and write in far too long. Months. A great many. But this broad comes along and sends me a couple messages to get me back on track and... here we are. Blabbing away like some idiot as if anyone will actually read this. (She will, but you know, I mean anyone else).

I've come to the conclusion that I'm a parasite. Feeding off the energy of others. It's not the actual act of writing I need help with. I'm damn fucking good at that (more often than not). If there's one thing I'm confident in, it's the fact that I can write. It's that motivation I need help with. For as much as I can want to, for as much as I can sit with an idea in my head for years... it just doesn't happen. I can sit and stare at a blank page and try to pump some bullshit out. And that's exactly what comes out. Bullshit.

Nothing good, though. Nothing like the sort of thing I'm capable of. Send me someone with a little bit of enthusiasm, though, and I'm back in the game. The best stuff I've ever done has been when working with other people. The creation of Tyler Rayne, (If you don't know, you will soon. At least I hope...). That damned war story we started years ago at the Welcome Friends house.

Put me in a room, (a chat window, phone call, or e-mail thread will work just as well). Give me someone to talk to. Bounce ideas off of. That's the kind of shit that gets me excited about writing. When other people are on board. When I know that I'm not working just for myself. That's when I'm at my best.

I don't want to be a parasite. I'll be a symbiote instead. That's more mutual, right? You give me someone with the energy and excitement that I can enhance. I take that and amplify it and transfer it into something written and wonderful. Someone gets excited about reading, I get even more excited about writing... it's a complete circle of total awesome. Just, you know, I gotta have that conduit to feed off of first.

Or I guess I could just suck it up, be responsible, and work like an adult instead of relying on other people to inspire me. But where's the fun in that?

Third Wheel

As a general rule, I hate the Special Guest Referee gimmick. It is, without doubt, my least favorite match stipulation of all times. It never adds to a match, and more often than not, subtracts from it. It's just... a terribad idea. Especially when lumped onto a match that has more than sold itself with no gimmicks and no stipulations... just two dudes going head-to-head.

The thing about the Special Guest Referee is it immediately takes all the wind out of the match. It doesn't matter who is in the ring, or what kind of 5-Star caliber performance they put on, in the end, you know damn well some shenanigans are going down with that special referee. It's sort of like watching an M. Night Shyamalan movie. You spend so much time waiting for the twist or trying to figure out what it is that you're actually distracted from watching. That's the thing with the special referee. Something is going to happen. Otherwise, why would there be a special guest referee at all?

The addition of this third wheel all but guarantees that something shady is going down. Just a matter of when. Even if we were to let that slide and try to enjoy the match, the problem is that the special referee is often just as popular as the two opponents. Which means that, even if you're not worried about the end of the match and what might happen, you're constantly distracted by this other guy you really like, too. Or hate. Either way, he (or she) has your attention. Which again means you're not focusing on the match or the people participating in it.

I was pretty pumped for Cena vs Punk at Summerslam. It certainly doesn't need anything added to it. That match has made itself, mostly on the hard work of those two dudes to sell a damn good wrestling storyline. I was looking forward to a damn good sequel to a hell of a match those two put on at Money in the Bank. And I honestly have no doubts that their Summerslam rematch will be a 5-Star event just like the last one. With the one small asterisks of whatever tomfoolery HHH gets involved in. We'll see what happens. I'm sure it'll work. Whatever they have planned up their sleeve, it'll work. I'm putting my faith in that. However, at this moment, and even going into it... that's not what I was excited for. And it's not what I wanted to see.

I know women wear pants...

...because I'm always trying to get them off.

Someone told me that Tuesdays were good for blogging. As it turns out, it's a Tuesday. I also have a blog. So... fuck it. Let's see what I've still got.

Now I've been debating all day about what exactly I wanted to blog about. Trying my best to avoid personal issues, but that's what's prevalent on my mind right now... until a co-worker showed me this. He was actually bitching about the fact that everyone looks like "angry Hulk" on this cover, (which, they kinda do), but what I picked up on was the mostly naked woman standing front and center.

Look, I like half-naked women as much as the next dude (more than the next dude if the fella standing beside me is Randy), but it just doesn't make sense for super females to wear underwear. Well, nothing but underwear, at any rate. Diana can go commando for all I care, so long as she's doing it with pants on. Which, I guess, is sort of the definition of commando. Otherwise, you'd just be naked, right? Halvsies, anyway.

When I was thirteen, Jim Lee's Psylocke was like the greatest fucking thing in the world. Pretty sure she's the reason I even like the color purple. I mean... damn. OK. Comic book or not, Psylocke is fucking hot.

But that's sort of the point. She's a British dame (uber sexy accent) in a ninja's body (hot Asian chick). She's all sorts of designed to be a Frankenstein creation of male teen fantasies. So, you know, her wearing underwear... yeah. I get it. What else is she going to wear?

Wonder Woman, on the other hand, is the female superhero. There's not even a question about that. It's scientific fact. It's probably in the Old Testament somewhere. I mean, really, she's it. About this time last year, did sort of a "reboot" on WW and hit us with this controversial redesign.

I thought it was awesome. It feels like a real evolution. Say what you will for the storyline (I was really into it at first, but it has kind of meandered since then), but it was a bold move that made sense. Sure, fanboys are going to bitch about it, but honestly... how many world renowned figures can you name that still dress like it's the 70s?

A few months ago, DC announced an entire "relaunch" of their comic books. Some crazy retcon/reboot hybrid with new costumes, new origins and new, exciting stories. To go along with that, they showed us this and this.

That second one is sort of important, because as you'll see, DC has made a quiet little policy of "never" (a word that has no real meaning in the comics world) putting underwear on the outside of tights again. Yep. That's right. No more Batbriefs. No more red undies on the outside of Supe's tights. Those days are over. Now we move forward into a new, more civilized era.

Until today. Until this.

In a world where men refuse to put underwear outside of their armored tights, Wonder Woman, the single most recognizable female superhero in the history of mankind... a third of the Trinity that holds DC and the Justice League together... is wearing NOTHING BUT HER GOD DAMN FUCKING UNDERWEAR.

Look, it'll never be a secret that I like scantily clad women. A lot. Too much? Maybe. Whatever. That's not the point. The point is that even I, horrible man-type that I am, can see that Wonder Woman is more than just some dame in a bikini. She's an icon. A role model to, well... OK, find me a woman that didn't want to be Wonder Woman at some point in her life. And if you do find her, ask her why, and she'll probably tell you she didn't want to run around in her underwear all gods damned day.

Simply put, Diana deserves better. DC is taking bold strides to try and shake things up. To present their audience, both long-time readers and new fans, with something interesting and different. Something new. Something fresh.

Jesus Christ, kids, we've got a dark skinned Spider-Man now. You tellin' me we can't have a warrior princess with clothes on?

Fuck you, DC. Just... suck a dick. Suck it long. And suck it hard. You bastards.

All the Single Ladies, All the Single Ladies

Stop your bitching. Right. The fuck. Now.

How's that for endearing myself to the public, eh?

So I just fired up Moulin Rouge. In part because it's a spectacular film. In part because tomorrow is Valentine's Day and ol' Moulin makes the short list of favorite love stories. Although this does remind me that I still need to go to a gods damned burlesque show at some point. But that's a topic for another date.

Despite the title of the piece, this here public service announcement is for the mens as well as the ladies. Oh, and I included the link to that particular performance for the Gleeks who might read this. Check the blonde, eh.

Back to the point. I mean it. Just shut up. All the single ladies (and fellas) bitching about Valentine's Day need to just stop. It's ridiculous. Whining about Valentine's Day because you're single is sort of like bitching about Martin Luther King Day because you're not black. And to take this comparison a step too far, (because we all know I'm damn good at taking it a step too far), rechristening the holiday as "Singles Awareness Day" isn't so far removed from hosting a Klan gala on the dear Doctor's birthday.

Here's the thing. You're upset because VD is a holiday, in essence, created for lovers. Couples. You are single, and thus the celebration holds no meaning. In fact, it's a slap in the face. A big, heart-shaped reminder of your inability to find a suitable mate. So, I wonder, how exactly is it that being bitter and hostile is supposed to improve that situation? You just come off like a bitch. Or a douche. Depending on gender. So if you're looking for reasons to explain your current predicament, start there.

Also, for this bullshit about VD being a made-up holiday... all of them are. There were no presidents born on President's Day. Thanksgiving wasn't a "real" holiday until the 1700s, about a century after the pilgrim feast. Halloween is a pagan holiday which, I'm betting, you eagerly participate despite the fact that it is unlikely you belong to any of the belief systems which would have originally celebrated such. Sort of like how you don't belong to the system for which Valentine's was created. Oh. And Christmas. A "religious" holiday which most everyone seems to partake in. Of course, some would tell you that Christianity is "made-up." At the very least, it's possible that December 25th is "made-up" as a date, and not actually Jesus' birthday at all.

So I'll admit, Valentine's Day is entirely a made-up holiday. Just like all the others. So back to the point I was making. Stop bitching.

I do not have a significant other tonight. That won't change come tomorrow. I'll be just as single on Valentine's Day as I am right now. I don't have a problem with that. At the worst, tomorrow is just another day. No different from any other.

At its best, tomorrow is a celebration of love. I hope, with all sincerity, that love is something you know. Something you have felt and reveled in. Something you appreciate. Whether you've had your heart broken or not... it is of little consequence. You knew it once or you know it now. It's not a matter of whether that love is reciprocated. It's not a matter of where that love leads you. All that matters is how it makes you feel. That overwhelming, invincible feeling. Like nothing in the world can stop you. Love is amazing.

It doesn't matter if it's romantic or not. Sure, being in love, is great, but as a dear friend pointed out to me... you are loved. You have family. You have friends. And they love you. As much or more as any boyfriend or husband ever could. I'd also be willing to bet that somewhere, someone out there is in love with you. Wishing you were in love with them.

Someone has a crush on you. Someone wants to be with you. Someone wants to fuck you stupid.

So stop whining. Stop bitching. Shut up and go find them. You know what's great about Valentine's Day? There are plenty of single people who don't want to be alone. Go to a bar. Pick a cute one. Go home with them. Seriously. Go have sex. You'll feel much better.

Enrique Iglesias does not love you.

He does, however, want to fuck you. Not to be rude. The video is NSFW. It's not as bad as that 30 Seconds to Mars video, but there are some naked ladies. I know. I was a bit surprised, too.

I'm supposed to be writing something else. I... can't. This isn't a thing about me being lazy. If it was, I'd totally admit that. I've been blocked for months. I sit and stare at open Word documents and manage to write a line or two. That's about it. There's nothing more in me. The fingers don't work. There's some sort of disconnect.

The ideas are in there. Locked up in my head. I think about them constantly. Rattling around. I tweak and perfect them. All I need to do is get them on the page. But... I can't. It doesn't happen. The only thing I've been able to write at all lately are these blogs, and even those are coming sparsely.

I legitimately just had a panic attack when I attempted to write something. Fiction. The stuff I'm supposed to be working on. This isn't even kind of a joke. Couldn't breathe. Felt anxious. Almost started crying. Wow, I wish I was making this up.

There has never, in my life, been a time when I could not write. There have been times when I didn't want to. There have been times when I struggled.

Never this, though. I don't even know what to do. This has gotten out of control. It's gotten progressively worse since October. Yeah. I've had writer's block since October. I suspect this also has something to do with the odd sleeping problems I've been having. Of course I'm not a doctor, or a psychologist, so I could have no fucking clue what I'm talking about.

Let's be honest, I don't. Also, I just realized how depressing this is. Time to liven up, then.

Knightfall

I have a habit of coming up with grandiose ideas. Just huge fucking plans that will inevitably fall apart or just not work out for whatever reason. Procrastination. Laziness. Lack of motivation. Whatever. The last free hosting site I attempted to use was one of these ideas. There was a lot I wanted to do with it. First and foremost, though, was the idea of making a quasi-consistent blog presence. Unfortunately, that site was not designed for the sort of constant updates such a task requires. So we've moved here for the moment.

There is potential that site could be used as a home base for our fictional escapades. That will require me to figure out how to use the site effectively, though. So don't expect anything before the next couple of weeks.

We're here now, though, so let's get started with some shit. I've been debating how I want to handle this. I've come up with nothing. So I'll just start talking and see how far we can get. This first bit is going to be the hardest to admit.

Deep breath. Sigh. OK. It's not that big a deal...

I finally got around to watching New Moon. Despite Twilight providing me a fine set of laughs over the fact that, far too often, Robert Pattinson's portrayal of Edward Cullen was a spectacular imitation of our good friend Michael Tepsic (link omitted to protect the innocent), the movie itself was pretty gods damned awful. Not so unlike the book on which it was based. So having read the entire series (which, for the most part, is just as horrible as you've all been told) and seen the first movie (which, for the most part, is just as horrible as you've all been told) it was my intention to skip the rest of the cinematic series (as I expected there would never be an adaptation of the psychotic mindfuck that is Breaking Dawn).

This assumption has been proven to be a mistake. So, in light of the fact that I'm far too interested in seeing this ridiculous train wreck converted to film, I figure I might as well catch up on the rest of the cinematic series. Long story shorter (none of my stories will ever be short, get used to it), New Moon actually wasn't that bad. It has stood as my favorite book in the series, due in large part to the fact that I really, really hate Edward Cullen. Seriously. The two most annoying, straight ugly fucking people in those books are Edward and Bella. Since most of New Moon takes place in a fantastic world where Edward has no part, it caters well to me. It certainly wasn't an amazing film. After all, it's good in relative comparison to the first movie, which was shit... but it was decent. Average, I suppose.

Though I did note that the score was particularly atrocious.

While we're on the subject of movies, I was given an awesome little treat yesterday. My dear, beloved Anne Hathaway has been cast in the new Batman movie as Selina Kyle. The Dark Knight Rises will feature both Catwoman and Tom Hardy (you'll likely recognize him from Nolan's previous film, Inception) as Bane. The supposed rumor now is that, in the absence of Batman, Catwoman takes over as Gotham's masked vigilante. I sort of assume she'll be stealing some stuff along the way, too. So Batman returns (see what I did there?) to deal with Catwoman, and someone hires Bane to kill one or both of them. Most of this I'm just sort of guessing at, but it seems to make sense. Oh, and with Catwoman and Bane in the same movie, I'm guessing someone might be taking a cue or two from Knightfall on this one.

There's also this image from X-Men: First Class, which has been blasted by Matthew Vaughn himself as some bullshit. Good thing, too, since it looks sorta photshopped. I have to admit, it really doesn't make me want to watch this movie much more. Bonus points for the attempt at X-Men uniforms, though. There are some more "legit" images from the film, including a shot of the Magneto helmet, which Vaughn has apparently released in apology for the "unapproved" team photo. I'm still a bit iffy on this movie, but eh, we'll see what happens. I'll end up watching it, of course.

On the thought of costumes, I'm digging both the Captain America and new Spider-Man suits. I've never been a huge fan of the motorcycle helmet for Cap, but it works well enough here. The costume otherwise is really solid. Seems people are splitting up on how they feel about the Spider suit. I really dig it, but agree that it's unrealistic to think some high school (or even college) kid made this in his room while hiding from Aunt May. Oh, and there's supposed to be a Captain America trailer coming up for the Super Bowl, which I'm kinda pumped about. There's a Thor trailer coming for that Sunday, too, but not sure if it'll be new or just the one we've seen.

As a final note, we finished up the second season of The Clone Wars last night. Overall, this is a pretty solid series. I would say it's an improvement over the prequels, but some would argue that's no large feat. As a fan, though, I'm down with what they're doing here. It's quality, for the most part. Though I do notice that I find myself constantly cursing the Jedi for their lack of Force use. Seriously, I can't count the number of times I uttered the question "Why don't they just use the Force?"

My favorite example is at the end of Season One. A handful of bounty hunters take over the Senate, and Anakin is the only person capable of saving them (as he's been locked in the Senate building with them). So he sneaks up on this assassin droid that's part of the bounty team. He has the jump on him. Could have easily just crushed the droid with the Force and moved on without anyone ever being the wiser (he lost his lightsaber so is going hand-to-hand with the bounty hunters). Instead, he literally jumps the droid from behind and the fisticuffs ensue, before Anakin eventually gets the upper hand and then ends up smashing the droid's head with its own blaster. Which, I'm not sure was a better alternative to just Force crushing it to begin with.

Almost every episode has a point when the Jedi could have made things a lot easier and just didn't. A lot of that is done in the interest of drama and suspense. The excitement of seeing Jedi in a fight as opposed to just throwing a droid off a building and moving on. It's still sort of ridiculous, but I doubt kids are putting as much thought into this as I am.

Stuck waiting for Season Three to come out on DVD now so we can watch that. Sounds like some really interesting stuff is happening in the series now. Darth Maul's brother, the Nightsisters, and now Liam Neeson returning to voice Qui-Gon's ghost for a couple episodes. How awesome is that?

Also, how the hell did I not know about Terra Nova until a few weeks ago?